Turning 30 is no drag.  In fact, I look forward to it.  It seems my life can really, clearly be defined by decades.  10 years ago, I was in Montreal, probably pretty close to finishing school.  I was already likely living on St. Viateur and Clark.  I remember those days with fondness, and I often wonder what I would be like in Montreal the person I am now.

I can't remember what I was doing at the age of 10.  Most memories before the age of 20 are pretty blurry for me.  I remember some things, like my child self playing with all the toys I had as a kid.  I would sit in my room or at the dinner table and have epic, never ending battles (and maybe some (b)romances....honestly, I was capable of anything and I can't remember the details!) against various cast of members of G. I. Joe or He-man.  I remember dancing in the living room with my sister to the muppet babies.  I remember my parents having people over.  I remember all the browns & beiges & and sepia tones.  I remember always stealing my cousins tapes and listening to them to the point of destruction.  Michael Jackson's Bad and Thriller and Milli Vanilli's self-titled masterpiece were some pretty serious records for me early on.

More often then not, my school friends remind me of this caper, or that night, or this dance, and I honestly have no recollection of what happened.  I'm convinced I shut that all out because I was always wishing I was someone or something else.  I spent so much of my life trying to pretend or wishing I was more attractive, thinner, richer, better at picking women up.  A lot of this trying led to some serious behavioural problems as I grew up.  My sexual, long-term relationships suffered most.  Well, no, I suffered most.  I was my own destruction until everything changed.  But that story is for the record to tell!

Luckily, I was always surrounding by some pretty great people.  And as I am now exactly one month from my 30th birthday, I'm so happy to have many of those people still in my life!

Mom!
Caty!
Alfredo!
Dad!
Brian!
Liam!
Tom!
Jarrett!
Ming!
Dan!
Mel!
Garland!
Nic!

These are the names I've likely said most in my life.  The list is much longer then that, but these are the people who have been in my life as close relations the longest!

I did not think that this would turn into a shoutout.

I also look forward to the accumulation of so much experience and knowledge that will lead to wisdom.  Wisdom I can pass along to the younger people who will listen, and even some who won't.  I feel it's my responsibility to live life as much as possible now, then to process all that information into ideas and learning experiences, then share what I've learned about the world and myself with others when I become a grey-hair.  I've always kind of felt this, and I really like that idea.  But to do that, I have to conquer and fears and bad habits and it's a never ending thinking tank in my brain processing all this info with the tools I currently have!  It's relentless, but it gives me energy and courage and confidence.  The rewards to self-reflection are endless.

So!  In one month I will be 30!  And I'm really excited!

The Album is done....

...save for a few parts I'm waiting on from some other people.  This is me deciding today that everything else I have done is great and I can leave the project alone and I feel like I've accomplished something amazing and I love this record with all my heart.  This picture also looks like I'm hanging upside down from a blanket.

Today I spent the day in the sun at my favourite beach.  I'd tell you where it is, but so far it seems like it's pretty unknown, and I'd like to keep it that way!  It being a Monday, Ana and I had our pick of the land.  We chose this spot.

Pretty great eh?!  The water was so warm.  There were no bugs.  There was a lot of sun.  It was glorious.  After coming to the realization that I could do no more to these mixes and these songs, I started telling Ana about a thought that had occurred to me.  I have been so focused on this record that I have barely left my house, I have neglected relationships with friends, and I feel like I've missed out on a lot this year.  Now I find myself wondering what I'll do with all my time.  Of course there will be other things to fill my time, but in my mind there is also a void building.  This space used to be filled with what side this guitar would be panned to, and what type of delay this voice could use, but as those thoughts are resolved, there is nothing to replace them.  I am starting to feel boredom again.  Ever the peddler of useful and insightful information, Ana shared this article with me a few months ago.  I really resonated with me.  Since the end of my last relationship, I've really had to spend a lot of time with myself.  This made me really uncomfortable because truthfully, there we some parts of me I really didn't like at all.  I used to count on that relationship to fill time, and without it, I realized quickly that I needed to fill it with the space to find myself again.

Then I started on the record and my time and brain space became consumed with the writing and recording and the anxiousness and the relentless voice telling me it wasn't ever going to be done or good enough.  Those voices have long since had their time to be heard and those thoughts resolved.  All the writing and recording and mixing is done on my end.  So now what?

I don't really know.  When I realize I'm bored, I tend to gravitate towards my bed.  I bought it at the beginning of this year.  It's a really expensive bed that I got at a great price from The Bay in Winnipeg's downtown.  If you don't shop there, you need to go there.  Crazy deals all the time.  Anyway, I find myself facing boredom, and my initial reaction is to find something to do.  DOSOMETHING!  But I don't, you see.  I instead remember the article and sit with my boredom.  Well, I lay with it.  I let my mind run it's insanity, and most times I end up dozing off.  I wake up feeling refreshed and surprisingly focused most times.

I've also to really start to notice detail.  I peoples words, in their reactions to things, in the world around me. in my bath curtain, in tv shows, in music, in artwork, while I'm walking, in the trees, in the fences, in the faces, in the pumping of my knees when I run.  Maybe that's why I like Breaking Bad so much.  This last episode, and every episode before it, has been my favourite tv episode ever.

Here's the final picture from my beach day.  Have a wonderful night and day and time all the time.

      

A Little About Me

I decided, as I walked home last night, that I would sleep in as long as I could stand today.  I've been running myself ragged the last few weeks for so many reasons.  They all revolve around the feeling that now is the time for me to accomplish the goals and dreams I have for my life.  I have so many, but because I've taken a lot of personal time in the last two years to figure out what they are, they all feel like they exist within and around each other.  

Musically, I want to perform and write and create from my own mind, but I also want to help others achieve the dream they want to hear out of a pair of speakers.  I want to travel the world playing music for people.  I want to have a home base where people can come to me to prepare a record so they can do the same.  My goal isn't to make others happy with my music, or to make trillions of dollars, it's to connect with people in the best way I know how.  I was having this conversation with a close friend of mine last night as we walked home.  He asked me why I create.  I told him that I do it to feel more like me.  Creating music, placing a microphone, moving a fader, listening to the world around me - all those things make me feel more complete.  It would be nice if my art was also a source of income that could sustain my lifestyle comfortably, but I don't do it to just reach that goal.  Before I can make moves to make present it to the public and try to make  it a business, I have to be sure that I am satisfied with what I've done.  It has to bring a smile to my face first.

I'm thinking about all of this and making plans to release something that I am so happy with right now.  I have taken two years to work out all the details, to mix and produce an album that reflects and speaks to who and what I am.  It represents me as a person, and it is my voice.  I start to wonder how I will speak about the project, as it so personal and tells a not so subtle story, or at least I think so.  Someone halfway across the world won't know the people I sing about.  These songs represent me in my current state, and I am always in motion lately.

It's taken me a while to understand why I create art.  It's taken an even longer while to be able to call myself an artist.  In understanding why I do it, I've had to change a lot of my expectations, behaviours, my language, and my vision of myself.  At this point in my life, I am a more confident, self-aware version of me.  In becoming this, I've also realized where my fears, insecurities, and prejudices are hiding, and I've also had to take a close look at them, which can be exhausting and terrifying!

But I'm happier then I ever have been.  I feel more complete.  I understand my place and responsibility in the world and I feel energized into continuing the forward motion.  I am always in motion.  I have to make time to slow down and re-energize.  Part of all this is being active in social justice.  I consider myself a pacifist.  I believe progress can only be achieved through non-violent action.  Which is to say that, when I can find the courage, I will speak up against discrimination against any particular group of people.  I will let the person know that I am not attacking them personally, but I believe that their ideas and words are dangerous and can cause much harm to the people around them.  This can put me in situations where I don't feel safe, but it also helps me to build more courage.  It helps me to form important bonds with people, even people who disagree with what it is I'm speaking out against.  

I got back from another meeting for the For The Love Of Winnipeg project.  I have been asked to be on the steering committee, which means I am an important voice in shaping the ideas and engaging the resources of the group.  This could potentially be a really big group!  I would encourage you all to join in on the conversation.  The next meeting will be held on August 8th at the Park Theatre in Winnipeg.  No matter what your political leanings, no matter how you identify as a person, I would encourage you to us the discussion.  

I'm going to run out into the storm before it's over!  I want a shower, and there's all that water out there!  Here's Peanut again!

Have a good rest of your Sunday!