Friday, June 7, 2013

I need to read Berné Brown

Bowling for the soul.

Last night we were in Lakewood, Ohio, which is 40 minutes west of Cleveland.  I booked us a show at Mahall's, which happens to be a bowling alley/venue/great nacho space.  The deal was that we could bowl as much as we wanted - which translates to as much as your wrists, knees and ankles can handle. If one is not practiced at this sport, one will find that the length which one can bowl will be short.  In total, I managed 6-7 strikes, lots of spares and a great wipeout.  I didn't let go of the ball because I was too busy focusing on my technique, so the ball took me over the line and into a plank.  The minute my skin hit the ground I realized that the lane as covered in baby oil or something and I immediately planked for my life, and my clothes.  Then Cody and I started laughing uncontrollably, while I held the plank position.  I didn't even notice what I had knocked down, not that it would have mattered because I crossed the line.

The goal was to get 3 strikes in a row for my pal Anastasia back in Winnipeg who is having some gnarly hip issues.  I've seen her go through this pain before and she tells me this one is worse, and I thought maybe I could help cure her with an offering of skill to the bowling gods.  I've definitely been watching too much Spartacus.  It didn't happen.  I haven't talked to her since last night, so I hope she is doing alright.  I don't think I made it worse though.

Yesterday, oh yesterday, was a tough day for me.  I woke up thinking about my thoughts about alcohol, my relationship to it, and how it has affected my relationship with others.  This train led to the Anxiety Town with stops at Cape Fear and Danger Bay.  My feeeeelings towards a person back home have brought up feelings of guilt when I find another women attractive while I'm away.  I guess I can't really say that without explaining why.  So here it is - I have a terrible and long history with non-consensual non-monogamy.  I have engaged in this act of betrayal and the feel the mark on my heart everyday.  I did some serious damage to myself and to the people around me.  I am single, I am able to date/have sex if I so choose, but when I think about my exciting new attraction to this person and my commitment to myself, I am flooded by waves of shame and guilt.  So I started thinking about that.  It will take much longer to figure these deep rooted feelings out then the year I have taken to be alone, but I thought that maybe this time is important because it will help me trust myself more.  It's like when I finish a tour - I feel proud that I finished something and saw it through to the end.  Every time I do that I build a little more personal power and trust.  I learn to listen to my heart more and my soul feels nourished.  I feel guilty when I am interested in starting (or I am currently in) a relationship and I find someone else attractive to someone else because I have acted on that attraction before.  Always when I'm drunk.  So, now that I am also changing my relationship to the booze, I and having to think about the guilt and how to get past it.  And how to forgive myself so that I have a healthy relationship with myself and be a responsible partner to someone else.  I cannot hurt people like I have before.  I refuse to hurt myself like that too.  What a shitty feeling.

ANYWAY.  There is some super personal information that some people know, but now it's on the internet.  I can't write about whats going on with the band and my life without going into the scary territory or it feels like I'm lying.

Anyone have any advice?

Oh ya, we also found yet ANOTHER awesome place to stay yesterday with David and Bonnie.  David drummed in the band that played before us, Humble Home.  He's a cool dude with a cool story.  I didn't talk to Bonnie a lot, but I liked that she really wanted the care package I offered when I asked for a place to crash whilst on stage.


The stage before we turn it into a mess of cables and sweat.  I have never sweat so much playing a show before.
Some neat art on the wall.  What I want you to do is turn your head to see it lengthwise on your screen.  It's way better that way.
This, apparently is my victory stance after achieving a ten pin strike.
I powered up to level 6000 after this one.  Then I pulled a muscle in all of my body.

Here is Karl looking forlorn.  He is so forlorned that the room actually became darker.
Here is Karl looking like a scholar, with the appropriate addition of light his new found state of mind adds to the space.  
When David told us about their place, he mentioned a large bean bag.  I assumed it was a one seater just like the other ones I've seen.  NOPE.  This thing was massive.
Here are David and Bonnie sitting on the bean bag chair FOR THE FIRST TIME.  They own it, and Cody sat in it before David ever had.  Awesome.

I'm in Chicago and I'm full of my great aunts cooking.  She made me rice pudding, which she knows I love.  I ate so much of it.

Right on.  Talk to you all later.

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