I need to read Berné Brown

Bowling for the soul.

Last night we were in Lakewood, Ohio, which is 40 minutes west of Cleveland.  I booked us a show at Mahall's, which happens to be a bowling alley/venue/great nacho space.  The deal was that we could bowl as much as we wanted - which translates to as much as your wrists, knees and ankles can handle. If one is not practiced at this sport, one will find that the length which one can bowl will be short.  In total, I managed 6-7 strikes, lots of spares and a great wipeout.  I didn't let go of the ball because I was too busy focusing on my technique, so the ball took me over the line and into a plank.  The minute my skin hit the ground I realized that the lane as covered in baby oil or something and I immediately planked for my life, and my clothes.  Then Cody and I started laughing uncontrollably, while I held the plank position.  I didn't even notice what I had knocked down, not that it would have mattered because I crossed the line.

The goal was to get 3 strikes in a row for my pal Anastasia back in Winnipeg who is having some gnarly hip issues.  I've seen her go through this pain before and she tells me this one is worse, and I thought maybe I could help cure her with an offering of skill to the bowling gods.  I've definitely been watching too much Spartacus.  It didn't happen.  I haven't talked to her since last night, so I hope she is doing alright.  I don't think I made it worse though.

Yesterday, oh yesterday, was a tough day for me.  I woke up thinking about my thoughts about alcohol, my relationship to it, and how it has affected my relationship with others.  This train led to the Anxiety Town with stops at Cape Fear and Danger Bay.  My feeeeelings towards a person back home have brought up feelings of guilt when I find another women attractive while I'm away.  I guess I can't really say that without explaining why.  So here it is - I have a terrible and long history with non-consensual non-monogamy.  I have engaged in this act of betrayal and the feel the mark on my heart everyday.  I did some serious damage to myself and to the people around me.  I am single, I am able to date/have sex if I so choose, but when I think about my exciting new attraction to this person and my commitment to myself, I am flooded by waves of shame and guilt.  So I started thinking about that.  It will take much longer to figure these deep rooted feelings out then the year I have taken to be alone, but I thought that maybe this time is important because it will help me trust myself more.  It's like when I finish a tour - I feel proud that I finished something and saw it through to the end.  Every time I do that I build a little more personal power and trust.  I learn to listen to my heart more and my soul feels nourished.  I feel guilty when I am interested in starting (or I am currently in) a relationship and I find someone else attractive to someone else because I have acted on that attraction before.  Always when I'm drunk.  So, now that I am also changing my relationship to the booze, I and having to think about the guilt and how to get past it.  And how to forgive myself so that I have a healthy relationship with myself and be a responsible partner to someone else.  I cannot hurt people like I have before.  I refuse to hurt myself like that too.  What a shitty feeling.

ANYWAY.  There is some super personal information that some people know, but now it's on the internet.  I can't write about whats going on with the band and my life without going into the scary territory or it feels like I'm lying.

Anyone have any advice?

Oh ya, we also found yet ANOTHER awesome place to stay yesterday with David and Bonnie.  David drummed in the band that played before us, Humble Home.  He's a cool dude with a cool story.  I didn't talk to Bonnie a lot, but I liked that she really wanted the care package I offered when I asked for a place to crash whilst on stage.

HEY, ANASTASIA!  I DIDN'T GET THREE STRIKES BUT WE HAVE FOUND 3 AWESOME GROUPS OF PEOPLE IN DIFFERENT CITIES AND I WILL PASS ALONG THOSE VIBES TO YOUR HIP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Magic.

The stage before we turn it into a mess of cables and sweat.  I have never sweat so much playing a show before.

Some neat art on the wall.  What I want you to do is turn your head to see it lengthwise on your screen.  It's way better that way.

This, apparently is my victory stance after achieving a ten pin strike.

I powered up to level 6000 after this one.  Then I pulled a muscle in all of my body.

Here is Karl looking forlorn.  He is so forlorned that the room actually became darker.

Here is Karl looking like a scholar, with the appropriate addition of light his new found state of mind adds to the space.  

THESE KIDS.  Pipe Dream.  CHECK THEM OUT.  

When David told us about their place, he mentioned a large bean bag.  I assumed it was a one seater just like the other ones I've seen.  NOPE.  This thing was massive.

Here are David and Bonnie sitting on the bean bag chair FOR THE FIRST TIME.  They own it, and Cody sat in it before David ever had.  Awesome.











I'm in Chicago and I'm full of my great aunts cooking.  She made me rice pudding, which she knows I love.  I ate so much of it.

Right on.  Talk to you all later.

The Other End Of The World

And my heart blooms.

I woke up this morning to find another parking ticket on the van.  I'm up to 3 tickets total on this tour.  There should be some sort of pass you can buy federally to travel across Canada and park anywhere.  The signs in Halifax say you can only park for 15 minutes between 8am-12pm, which doesn't even make any sense.  

This trip has truly been a test of my strength and resolve.  So far, the shows have been half well attended, half poorly attended, but we're always playing our best.  Last nights show was played to the other bands and the vlt room, but they told us it was the best sound they had ever heard at the venue.  We did our own sound.  We did our own door, and we did the promotion.  I expect there to be a few people out at every show, but I have to remember too that no one really knows about this band, that certain regional factors will keep people from leaving their homes, and that the next time I roll into town, it will be easier to do this.  It was still crushing when only three people paid cover though, and they all had intentions of winning all their money back in the vlt room.  This is the album release tour, but it is still one of building relationships with musicians and venues across North America.

And as I build professional relationships, I also build personal ones.  Even back at home, across a country, I am getting to know someone that I would like to know more.  My heart has called me back to Winnipeg before, but we were a reckless and impulsive team back then.  I was headed to Montreal when my phone buzzed and I was surprised to see who the text was from asking how the trip was going.  This person is mostly a stranger, yet because I have learned to listen to whispering heart, I am aware that there is the chance of a deeper connection.  So when I got the message, heart was skipping and making beats.  CALM YOURSELF, I said.  It means nothing and this person is being kind, and they are just asking you a question.  But heart knew better.

When I decide to follow heart, things can happen quickly and without thought.  In the past few years I have learned to include thought into action so as not to hurt myself and the others around me.  I reminded myself of my personal commitments to be alone, of the fact that it would over a month before I got home and that I had no idea what this person's situation was.  The conversation went from texting to phone calls in a blink of an eye, and now I find myself looking to define what this new friendship means to me.  Lucky for heart and I, this person is honest and true and since I have been honig these skills also, our conversations have been emotional AND rational.  This person knows about my commitments and I know of theirs.  What a wonderful way to start a friendship, and my heart swells in pride for having been right.  It sings with love for having been listened to.  But I somehow still feel like a failure because this new relationship hasn't exploded into a passionate affair that will ruin and wreck everything is it's path!  Every time I'm met with a new opportunity for a personal relationship, I have to take note of the parts of me that have changed and the parts of me that want to stay the same out of habit.  It's strange to be doing that in a relationship with someone back home while I am away.  Needless to say, I AM EXCITED BY ALL OF THIS.  

Want to see some photos?  

 This is at about 4am on the drive to Halifax from Montreal.  The sun was rising and the country was covered in misty frost.

 If you look at this picture in a bigger form, you can see these think layers of fog rolling atop of the trees.  My camera couldn't do it justice, but it was beautiful.

 Fog.

Less fog.  

 The bridge into Halifax and THE SUN.

 The lovely Lindsay Duncan was kind enough to let us stay at her place for a couple of nights.  This is her back yard.

 This is her cat, Soup.

 This is from my alone walk into downtown Halifax.  This shot is from the hill.

 We're off to get some food, and these two have become quick friends.  They share the joy of holding pinkies.

 This building is made of brick that looks like chocolate.

 Cody NEEDED a donair so we stopped at a donair vendor before the rest of us went for seafood.  He ate while he walked, and this was a break to get some ketchup on this fries.

 This picture can be triumph of tragedy.

Triumph - he elevates his body to a walking position and dips his fries in ketchup, thereby fulfilling his desires.

Tragedy - he falls face-first into a pile of ketchup and fries.

 These guys are so hungry they can bare stand...

...Until this happens.

 After a week of not playing, Karl is REHEARSING HIS PARTS BEFORE THE SHOW.  Take note, as this is a real life skill that will get you hired ALL THE TIME.

 Brian (Lindsay's partner) and Brennan before we head out for the day.

 The trip was to the beach, but we had to walk through some beautiful eastern country to get there.

Me!

 Me!  Thanks, Mara, for the scarf!

 FUCKING BEACH TIME BRO.

 Lindsay didn't make it far.  She found a spot and promptly fell into a relaxed position as Karl triumphs over sand.

 Then we head back to Vanna White so she can take us to Lindsay's mom's place.

 And this was her back yard.  Did you know you can buy coastal property here for less then 100,000$?

 A photo shoot of Karl looking like a rock god, his hair blowing in the wind.

 This is Lindsay, playing some of her sweet tunes.

Brennan is not shy when it comes to playing music with others.  He is confident and capable and he played with Lindsay almost her entire set.  It was magical.

We drive to Moncton today.  One of my favorite I Mother Earth songs is about Moncton.  I don't listen to I Mother Earth any more.  

Talk to you soon. 

MONTREAL BIG TIME PARTY FUN

Montreal, this is what my heart looks like every time I leave you.

This is also what my pizza looked like because I was using an oven I was not accustomed to.  It doesn't look pretty, but it was delicious.

This weekend was full of good vibes.  We rolled into Montreal at 10pm on Friday and went directly to drop off Karl and Cody at the place they were to stay.  We had to split up because my friend Mara only had room for two, so Jon from the One Man Band Fest helped me find a place for two of my gentlemen.  I found the entrance, walked up the stairs and knew it would be a great Montreal experience for them.  It was an art loft with transient people roaming in and out sharing stories and food and love, and it would have been the type of place I would have loved to stay in 10 years ago.  There were people coming and going as I was trying to figure out who I was supposed to talk to so these guys could get settled in.  And then I remembered that speaking french would probably get me on the fast track to finding out.  After some email checking and asking around a young woman stepped out of one of the many rooms and said that she was aware this was happening, so I thanked her, wished the dudes good luck and made my way to Mara's for some hangouts with a good friend.  The age difference is difficult for me sometimes because the things I like to talk about now are different then the things I liked to talk about when I was 21.  That isn't to say that there isn't any common ground, but a conversation with Mara was welcomed.  I had planned to go out and see a friend working one of the OMBF shows but we didn't end up leaving Mara's until 1am so by the time I got there it was over.  

I decided to suspend my 'drink-less' policy for the stay.  The minute I stepped outside I wanted to start drinking all the delicious beers and boozes.  Montreal has this way of opening people up to wanting to experience more in life, or at least that's what it does to me.  People are more welcoming and friendly in that city.  It's easier to talk to people, assuming the language barrier isn't a thing, but even then it's easier I think.  So I left Mara's a little drunk and quickly found myself with little to do.  I felt conflicted because I felt like I had wasted a chance to get wasted!  That's ridiculous.  I came to terms with the fact that it was okay for me to drink while I was out there because that's what I wanted to do and I am a grown-ass man choosing my own adventure.  I can tell that my personal challenges to change my relationship to booze and with sex are paying off.  I feel more comfortable talking to people and being out without booze.  I feel more comfortable and like myself (not some hyped up version of myself) when I drink too.

The next day we got up late, had some food and I started preparing for the last one man show of the tour.  The show was amazing, but I would much rather play with people now.  The music losses a level of intensity if it's just me and although I know I can hold my own, having other people on stage playing this music leaves an impression on the audience.  It also started feeling like there was a separation between the guys and I.  They play in Halifax tomorrow, but they haven't played since last Wednesday and it was feeling like they were my crew more then the band I was travelling with.  I believe this situation will be rectified as of tomorrow when we start a long string of shows.  It feels like the tour is finally starting.  We got the first few practice shows out of the way, then we all got the chance to lolligag in cities other then Winnipeg and now the tour begins.  I'm looking forward to it.  

The 12 hour drive starting last night in Montreal has me feeling pretty run down.  I didn't even drive.  It's picture time.  

 We begin with a series of 4 pictures with the bands chins to necks.  This is Brennan.

 Cody.

 

Karl.  After taking these pictures I told them about the time I did this on a friends camera who then pointed out that this is what women see when performing a blow job.  They will now think about this every time they are with a lady.

 The loft in which Cody and Karl were sleeping.

 Downtown MTL.

 The band hanging out in old Montreal.

 They climb the mountain!  At night!  Off the beaten path!

 The view.

 The view during the day.

 This guy.

 Fun show.

 Great show.

 This guy having a blast.

 Enjoying some poutine.

 Going super-saiyan.

 FUCKING ROB CROOKS.

 Mara having a real good time.

 So are these guys.

 Look at Brennan touching the ground with dancing.  He is very limber.

 I met Angelique at the pizza party for the One Person Band Festival.  She mentioned going to this delicious bakery on Bernard which I have frequented many times, and so we went and had some desserts.

 This is what happens when you try to pick this dessert apart with hands.

 Jon Cohen thanking his crew to his left.

 And to his right.

 This picture should have been before the old Montreal pics as they were heading there....

 ...while Mara and I prepped the pizza party.

 Her balcony at the back.

 So happy to finally see some sun.

 I've developed a love for beets.

 Toppings.

 Making some sauce from some delicious smelling tomatoes.  I think there is a higher grade of raw food in this city because they demand it.

 Cody preparing his pizza.

Karl waiting for his.  That's Gabe in the back studying a test to keep his job.  He is one of the most conflicted people I have ever met.

 The next day was super sunny and warm and the short shorts were out in full form.

 An afternoon meeting with my pals over some sangria.  Check out Danny and Jenn's awesome music.

 The bagels of my dreams.  I ate this whole tub of tzatziki.

 Our final meal before departing to Halifax.

 Sesame seeds from the night bagels.

FRIENDS.

I don't feel like I did this post justice.  I had a lot of thoughts and feelings that maybe I can put into words later.  Montreal has this way of tearing me open so I can learn something new about myself or test what I have learned.  You want to read about my feelings right?  RIGHT?